Struggles of the Last Summer

 



I took this picture a few months ago when I was sitting by the pool. It reminds me of calmer times. Mountain Laurels blooming. Butterflies flitting by. Oh, the days of spring.

 

Now I am knee deep into summer. Long hot days. Short crisp tempers. Dreadful anticipation of fall and all the changes that will take place in our house.

 

Avs will be returning to Texas Tech as a sophomore. She loves Texas Tech, but as a mom, it is five and a half hours away from home. So far. She will be starting curriculum for an art degree. Very exciting for her. She is an amazing artist.

 

Ash will be leaving for her freshman year at Texas State. It is much closer to home - only an hour and a half away. She will be taking basic classes as she prepares for a degree in Physical Therapy. I suspect she will come home a lot since her boyfriend has not graduated yet.

 

So, I will be an empty nester. I already hate those words. Empty. Nothing where there used to be something. Nest. Our home - full of all the things you experience with teenagers - joy, anger, laughter, tears, mood swings, activity, etc.

 

It will be so empty. Yes, I still have my husband, Q. After 24 years, I know we will adjust. I am just not sure how we will adjust. 

 

How do you adjust to an empty house?

 

Some things will be easy. The washer will always be available when I need to wash clothes. There won't be dirty dishes piled up from some snack or meal that was prepared. There won't be stuff like hairbands, books, candy wrappers, shoes lying around in the living room. The guest bathroom will be clean.

 

Other things will be hard. I won't actually get to see their faces in the morning. I will have to text them to be in touch, since calling is not cool. I won't be able to meet them for lunch when they are having a bad day.

 

I am a solitary person, so I know that I will manage. I know it will be good for Q and me. Now we can do things that the kids did not want to do. We can take a trip without getting every one's input. We can eat cereal for dinner. We can stay up late watching TV or reading without having to go to our bedroom, so the kids can have the living room.        

 

A new reality. Quiet. Empty. Hopeful?

 

What If?

Do you ever play the "what if" game? What if my childhood had been different?

When I was a pre-teen I used to get in the somersault position and look at the ceiling. I would imagine it was the floor. In order to walk from room to room you would have to step over the doorway. It gives you a whole different perspective. As I was thinking about this weird view of the house I remembered from childhood (no I am not in the somersault position looking at the ceiling!!!) It made me think "what if?"

What if my childhood had been different? My dad is a PHD chemist. He is very smart with some astronomical IQ. He does not have as much common sense though. He is and always has been obsessed with being a farmer. After graduating from college with his PHD in Missouri, he got a job in east Texas. I was in 1st grade. We moved to a house in a town of 60,000 people. It was not long (2nd grade) before we moved again. This time we lived in the country, so my dad could have a few acres of land. Then in 4th grade we moved again. This time my dad and mom bought 62 acres. We lived in a 2 bedroom house on the property. Then my dad leased some more land, so he could bale hay. My sister and I spent many gratis hours in the hay field during high school. We were helping him make his dream come true. 

When I finished at the local junior college, I moved to Texas A&M. My dad and mom paid my expenses and provided a car. College was so hard. I studied all the time. In April of my third semester at A&M, my dad quit his job. He had been with the company for 15 years. He was now going to bale hay and farm on a full-time basis. He called me at A&M and said I would have to move home after the semester was over. I was devastated.

I came home and decided I would attend UT-Tyler. I visited the campus. It was so small. It was so not A&M. I decided I would go back to A&M and get a job. I moved back to A&M at the end of summer and got a job at a motel. I worked as a desk clerk on the weekends and also worked one day during the week. However, the engineering program was so difficult that I got on scholastic probation. I changed majors and entered the business school. I continued the computer programming classes offered in the business school. I took 12 hours a semester. I worked and I went to school.

Eventually after 5 and a half years in college I finished my BBA at Texas A&M. I graduated in December of 1986. I had done it. I had put myself through school and I only took one loan of $1800.

Reflecting back on all of this, it may seem that I am disappointed in my dad and mom. I am not. When my dad quit his job, I began to see him as he really is. He wants his life to be about farming and will do anything to get there. It took time for me to understand that.  If my dad had not quit work to pursue his dream, I would never have been given the opportunity to put myself through school.

What if? For me, the opportunity to put myself through college was a great advantage. It allowed me take classes at my own pace. It allowed me to succeed in something that was really important. It allowed me to grow as a young woman and realize that even when things are difficult, they are still achievable. It changed me for the better.